The Subtle Art of Giving Advice When Unasked For
Summary: You don’t!
The other day at a food festival, my friend Sharon introduced me to someone new — Katy. We got chatting, and I mentioned (a little offhand) that I’m starting a new business and, while exciting, it has been stressful too.
I said something like, “I should do more Yoga Nidra” — half-joking, half-true.
Without skipping a beat, Katy replied: “You know, I’ve removed the word should from my vocabulary. I say get to instead now.”
Mmm. Okay…good for you?
It caught me off guard. It wasn’t mean; just one of those casually corrective comments I’ve seen a hundred times on inspirational Instagram posts and cringey LinkedIn updates. The kind of “advice” that lands somewhere between not-helpful and hashtag #girlboss.
The Urge to Fix
The urge to chime in is almost irresistible, especially when you think you can help. When you’ve been there, done that, and know what might make things better.
But the truth is: Unsolicited advice often sounds like judgment in disguise. Even when it’s well-meaning. Even when it’s technically right.
In Book I of Meditations, Marcus Aurelius writes:
“From Alexander the grammarian, [I learned] to refrain from fault-finding, and not in a reproachful way to chide those who uttered any barbarous or solecistic or strange-sounding expression; but dexterously to introduce the very expression which ought to have been used, and in the way of answer or giving confirmation, or joining in an inquiry about the thing itself, not about the word, or by some other fit suggestion.”
He was right. Don’t correct people for their grammar, mispronunciation, or dialect — at least, not uninvited.
No one walks away enriched. Instead, do what Marcus Aurelius suggested:
Model the correct usage yourself. Use the word naturally in your response. Let it land softly, and trust that if they’re listening, they’ll notice.
It’s a small act of restraint. But one that builds humility and real influence.
Dale Carnegie, author of ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’, put it more bluntly:
“Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Let the other person save face.”
Criticism — even disguised as a mindset tip — tends to provoke defensiveness, not change. I would know. That is why I am writing this article.
Of course, this doesn’t apply when you’re in a role where guidance is expected, such as a teacher, mentor, or manager. In those cases, feedback is part of your job and is already built into the relationship.
But if you’re not in that role, say if you’re just another human in conversation at a food festival, then what?
You resist the urge to fix. You listen.
If you wouldn’t want someone barging in with their opinion about your life choices… don’t do it to others. Unless they ask. Then by all means go ham, just be wise, be thoughtful and be useful.
But until then? Bite your goddamn tongue. Nod politely. And maybe write your thoughts in a journal instead.
The Grace to Let It Go
Back to my story with Katy. When she corrected me, I briefly wanted to say, “Nah, I meant what I said.” Because I did. “Should” felt right in that moment. I wasn’t looking for a mindset shift; my mindset has already shifted. I was just sharing a feeling. It wasn’t that deep.
But here’s the thing:
Not everything needs a rebuttal.
Not every correction needs a correction back.
Sometimes, the wisest thing we can offer is grace — the grace to let something pass without absorbing it, reacting to it, or needing to prove we were right all along.
So: don’t police what others say. And when it is given to you by force, just let it go (or maybe rant about it on Medium).